The Parable of the Two Monks and the Woman
Two monks, a senior and a junior, were walking through the forest on their way back to the monastery. As they passed a river, they saw a young woman standing at the edge, unable to cross. The river was high, and the current strong.
The woman was visibly distressed. She asked for help.
The junior monk hesitated—after all, their order had strict rules about not touching women. But without a word, the elder monk picked the woman up, carried her across the river, and gently set her down on the other side.
The woman thanked him, and the monks continued walking in silence.
An hour passed. Then two. Finally, the junior monk burst out:
“How could you carry her across the river? You know we’re not supposed to even touch a woman!”
The elder monk turned to him and said,
“I put her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”
Similarly to the young monk, we too often choose to carry heavy emotions and feelings around. Especially when it comes to grudges or hurt. We feel that forgiving means letting our guard down and exposing ourselves to hurt again.
But here I’d like to propose a different definition of forgiveness – one that has nothing to do with the person who hurt us, and has everything to do with us and freeing us from the emotional burden of hurt we often carry.
The Old Definition Of Forgiveness
I used to think that forgiving someone who hurt me meant forgetting everything they’d done and opening myself up again to being vulnerable.
But every time I forgave in that sense I got hurt, again and again. It got to the point where I just could not take it anymore. I felt used and disrespected.
And I was struggling. I felt deeply hurt and very bitter. I could not let it go no more. I turned into a ball of nerves, snapping at everyone around me.
“I must keep my guard up at all times.” – I thought.
And I did, but it was exhausting. I could feel all the negative emotions gathering up inside me, like a volcano about to erupt, ready to explode at any moment and protect myself from the enemy. But that wasn’t living, that was barely surviving. It was torturing.
Nevertheless, what choice did I have?
It seemed as if I had tried everything:
Total forgiveness just led to more hurt. Whilst not forgiving let to bitterness.
Was there another option?
Yes there was!
A New Definition Of Forgiveness
As always, in the midst of struggle, I turned to books—hoping their pages held the answer I couldn’t find on my own.
And there it was, in his book “Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve.” Lewis B. Smedes wrote:
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. But forgiveness does not mean forgetting, excusing, or re-entering toxic dynamics—it means letting go of your own pain so it no longer controls you.”
Berne Brown wrote in her Rising Strong:
“Forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s not condoning. It’s not reconciling. Forgiveness is simply the process of taking your power back”
These are just a couple of examples that come to mind right now, but there were so many more. Again and again, authors affirmed the same truth: forgiveness has nothing to do with excusing the person who hurt me—and everything to do with setting myself free.
True forgiveness is for us. It is how we loosen the grip of bitterness, release the burden of resentment, and allow ourselves to heal—while still protecting our boundaries and honouring our own worth.
In the end, forgiveness doesn’t mean reopening the door. It means walking forward without dragging the past behind us.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offences. Forgiveness means that we are no longer bound by the actions of others.
Desmond Tutu – The Book Of Forgiving