Mary aspires to be a writer. She’s got the talent and determination to commit herself to a writing career. In fact, she is so committed, that one day she decides and quits her very successful career as a lawyer. To this day, she’s invested more than 30 years, both studying and working in the area of law. She has been earning well and enjoying the respect and admiration of friends and family that came with the career.
Nevertheless, she dreams of becoming a writer. Law for her is just something she thinks she has to do; a responsibility; a job; something that sustains her financially. But writing? – writing is a dream, writing is freedom, writing is her life. And one day, she gives in. On one warm August morning Mary walks into the office, goes straight to her manager, and hands in her resignation. As soon as she does that, she feels free, she feels happy. It almost feels as if a heavy burden has been lifted from her chest. And she is excited.
Mary starts making plans for all the books she wants to write, she starts a blog, and spends every single day either writing, or reading – two of her most pleasurable pastimes. She has some amazing ideas, and contemplates about acting on them.
But a few days pass, then weeks,… and reality sets in. The excitement of Mary’s newly found freedom starts to slowly fade, and grim thoughts for the future begin to creep in.
“What will happen when all my savings diminish? And what if I am not good enough as a writer? In fact, who am I to write? What do I have to say that will be interesting to others? Will anyone ever want to read my books?
Before she realises, all the determination that not so long ago made her quit her secure job, has now been replaced by doubts and fear. And she starts regretting leaving law, she feels confused and overwhelmed, and she finds it hard to write.
A Common Misconception About The Reason For Failing
Do you see yourself in Mary?
I know I do.
As a matter of fact, Mary’s story is not unique at all.
We all have dreams that we don’t pursue out of fear – fear of failure, fear of the unknown, even, as paradoxical as it sounds – fear of success But some of us, sometimes, reach this moment of bravery, of inspiration, of determination, when they say: ”No more!”. Then leave their safe space – a job, a city, a country, committed to succeed. And some do, but many give up, without even trying hard enough. And they go back to the old town, back to the boring, soul-crushing job.
But why?
It’s commonly accepted that people who do not succeed are lazy, undisciplined, they lack the necessary motivation, resources, connections…
However, that is not always true, and I’ll explain why. Moreover, if you are one of those ‘undisciplined’ folks, I will show you how you can turn things around for yourself, and finally succeed.
What Is The True Culprit Behind Our Failures?
In his book The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden talks about the idea of “self-fulfilling prophecies” and that not luck, nor resources, but the level of our self-esteem predefines whether or not we will succeed in our endeavours.
If we believe that we are not good enough, no matter how motivated we are, and how much money we’ve got, no matter how many connections and support we have, we are doomed to fail.
Penny's Story
As I write this now, I am reminded of a good friend of mine, for the purpose of keeping her anonymity, let’s call her Penny. Same as me, Penny was raised in a small town. We studied in the same school, when we were little. Then our paths diverged when I was accepted to study in my first choice for high school, whilst Penny went to another city, to study in a little less competitive school.
Nevertheless, Penny was my best friend at the time, and we never stopped keeping in touch. After I graduated high school, I went to university in yet another city. Then it was Penny’s turn. She dreamt to come to study with me, like the olden days. And I vowed to help her. I sat with her studying and explaining to her everything she was confused about. We studied like that for months. The time for the entry exam came. I was sure she can make it, and we will be once again together, for more than just the weekends.
On the day of Penny’s exam, I walked with her to the exam room and wished her luck. I then came back home and waited patiently. The duration of the exam was set to be 2 hours. Anyhow, not even 45 mins had passed, someone rang my door bell. I was utterly surprised to see Penny standing at the doorstep, her face – covered with disappointment.
I couldn’t make it! – she said – it was too hard!
A few months later, she married a boy from the neighbouring village and had a baby.
Why didn’t Penny try harder? Why did she leave the exam room when the exam had barely started?
For years on, I felt crushed and broken-hearted. I was convinced that had Penny persevered for the duration of the exam, had she tried a little harder, we would have been reunited, and we would have had so much fun together.
It’s just now that I realise, that perhaps, it was not as little as I thought needed for Penny to succeed. For the most part of her studies she struggled, she went to an average school, where none of us – her friends, went, she was an average student. All of that must have shaped her belief in herself. That must have formed her self image. She wasn’t going to get into university, she was going to get married early. No matter what I did to try and help her. And no matter how much she thought she wanted to get into uni. Deep down, she knew her truth – she was not smart enough for higher education.
Big Successes Can Only Be Achieved By Taking Small Steps
To quote Nathaniel Branden: “Self-esteem creates a set of implicit expectations about what is possible and appropriate to us. These expectations tend to generate the actions that turn them into realities. And the realities confirm and strengthen the original belief.”
What Branden mean, is that it is through our actions that we slowly shape our self-image. Failing in what we do, inevitably decreases our self-esteem, and vice versa, even the smallest of victories, slowly over time build up on our positive self image, and our confidence rises.
Nevertheless, it’s really not that simple. Our minds often are the culprit of our failures and successes. Take Penny for an instance – she studied hard for months, she was prepared. But as soon as she sat on that exam chair, her mind told her – “This is too hard! What are you even doing here? You are not smart enough! Go home!” … And Penny listened. Long before the exam ended, she gave up. Subsequently, she wasn’t accepted into university. This on the other hand, was a confirmation to her that she was not capable enough.
Now, perhaps, sitting for that exam was too big of a leap for Penny. Perhaps, it was simply impossible for Penny to bridge the gap between the average girl from a small town and the young woman who had been accepted into a prestigious university.
And herein lies the big dilemma. – If the results of our actions shape our self image, and our minds more often than not, influence those results – how could we ever change? How could we ever become the confident self we aspire to be? How could we ever succeed in pursuing our dreams?
Here’s the thing, when we think of a goal, a dream if you will, we think of this giant leap we need to take. But when this leap is bigger than we could manage, we inevitably fail. However, when we take small, realistic steps, we are more likely to succeed. And no matter how small those successes, when achieved regularly, they lead to something special – they help us believe in ourselves, they help us realise that we are capable, they help us succeed, they help us build a better self-image for ourselves.
Final Takeaway
So, if you take just one thing from this article, let it be this: choose one small action that you know you can accomplish. Complete it. Then choose another, and another. Every small success becomes evidence that you are capable, and over time those small pieces of evidence reshape the way you see yourself. One day, you may discover that the greatest achievement wasn’t reaching your goal—it was becoming the person who believed they could.